Love stories start long before meeting that “oh so special someone”
When you think about it really, most love stories start that way. Every moment that has led up to the one in which you’ll meet your future boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife or just pure soul mate, has somehow shaped you and prepares you for that one person that fate has – paired you for.
Any & all previous heart breaks, cloudy days or lonely nights can be crucially important to the grand scheme of – love .
Sometimes we need to truly know how something feels like when it’s wrong or painful before we can ever REALLY know when another thing is right !
So that is where my story must being right?
The whole “girl meets boy – boy and girl fall in love and live happily ever after ” modo is just a tad bit too simplistic for my needs.
When I was 18 years of age, I met a guy that swept me off my feet . He was the one who came before my current prince charming . We dated for awhile, lived together for two years. (Well almost made it to two years). We moved out of our families homes hoping to start a little family of our own.
That’s just what we did.
Newly engaged and ready to conquer the world!
Our relationship was never “terrible” . He was a good guy – I was a good girl and we truly did love each other.
But, for every moment of those two years, I had a nagging-itching-achy feeling in the pit of my stomach. Was this just nerves of being newly engaged? Would these feelings go away? Or were they feelings of fear.
I knew we loved each other, but was that enough?
I soon realized the feelings I was having.
Despite his amazing heart, we were to young – and I didn’t love myself enough to love another human being. (Something I would be faced with for years to come)
As time went by, he could give me less and less of what I wanted, needed, yearned for. Things became strained in the relationship and I couldn’t help but know it as all because of me. I was a terrible nag, something I see now. The problem was that there was just to many demons I couldn’t conquer, to many things I needed to change – to many things I needed to work on. As I began to come to the realization that I could never change myself, the relationship of him (which why should I want someone to change in the first place if I truly loved them?), I struggled so much with what the right thing to do was. It ate away at me day and night because deep down I honestly couldn’t imagine my life without this man. And being alone – TERRIFIED -ME !
Somewhere during this time, I had been advised to read a book called “The Secret” which I all about the laws of attraction. I really believed in what I was reading. It truly inspired me in ways I never thought were possible at this point in my life. I realized that I had not arranged my life in a way that allowed for all the things I so desired. I hate the skim through this part because it’s so important, but let’s just say that I knew I had to decide what I wanted my future to look like. I had to start taking active steps towards attracting the future I so desperately wanted.
Being in my current relationship was holding me back – major roadblock. I knew in my heart that if stayed or made him stay, life would just be a struggle, for both of us.
So one day, the break up finally happened. We talked for hours, cried for hours, until we both finally decided we just weren’t made for each other and could never truly work. It was over and I didn’t know how to digest the pain and realization of losing someone I thought was – my one! I can honestly say those next few weeks, well I’d be lying if I said weeks, more like months, were the toughest of my life. I ugly-cried those kind of tears that come from somewhere inside you that you didn’t even know existed- a place of fear and sudden awareness that you are in fact — completely alone .
I took that pain with a grain of salt and worked on myself for a few years, like I had promised myself. I wish I could say that the love story was that of a magical ending where him and I ended up married raising a family because we noticed that we just couldn’t live without each other. Nope . The love died in that little apartment , years ago.
In the years leading up to today, I had gotten into another relationship that was just well, toxic ! I had changed myself, became someone that I was happy with but I was still was terrified of being – alone. I jumped into another relationship eager to be with someone who made me feel full. But that was just another mirage of me masking my inner demons. I jumped to someone I saw clearly because I was so clouded from my current break up. It ended badly blah blah blah you know the typical shitty break up stories.
That’s when it happened ……
I spent awhile in my past relationship by myself. I finally knew how to be – alone, truly alone and enjoy it on top of that.
Not needing another soul to make me feel – “complete“.
I had been working at a local bar for awhile and was focusing on my friends, family and finances. I’d be lying if I said I heard choir of angles singing, or a bright light shone upon him like some supernatural vision from God. In all honestly I actually was very hesitant towards him then I was blinded with the instant attraction.
He was recently divorced with a 4 year kid, seemed to be in the same position in life that I was – damaged and looking for clear sky’s.
I was single – looking for any reason to have liquor touch my lips.
I was damaged.
But damaged goods can be fixed right?! He must have thought so.
He had been coming into the bar more and more. I hadn’t noticed that maybe there was an attraction at the time, I just brushed it away and took another shot. Night after night the work crew would make it out to the local pubs after work – and so did he.
One thing lead to another and I found myself thinking more of him.
We spent more and more time together. I was letting my guard down. I was enjoying someone’s company without jumping into a relationship. We had become friends. A perfect blend of damaged goods and hopeless romantic thoughts. I hadn’t felt butterflies like this in quite some time. You know the ones that take over your entire body, making your knees weak. For some time I’d been harboring the feelings – afraid of if it was the right time to get into another relationship. Was I ready? Had I become the person I so desperately needed to be? I thought to myself – stop being afraid of what could go wrong, and just focus on all the things that could go so right.
So that’s exactly what I did – let go of any fears … for once.
Now as I sit here writing this, we have been together for 7 months and I had been blessed with two new additions to my life. I was given a gift from god – I am now 7 1/2 months pregnant with my little miracle. For the first time I’ve found someone that I’m afraid of losing, I’ve found someone who accepts me and doesn’t feel the need to change me. I think I’ve found someone I can truly fall madly in love with. Because of him I can feel myself slowly becoming the me is always dreamed of being.
I’ve never been the girl that is hopelessly romantic, I believe in love but I always had my doubts. (Can you blame me) They say that when you meet the other half of your soul, you will understand why all the other loves of your life had to let you go. When you meet the one who deserves your heart, you’ll understand why you and all the others have to be apart. I understand completely now and I’m ready to continue my true love story …..
Whose your mama 